RUFF THOUGHTS: 3 great articles on DADDY/boy relationships

I’ve been missing my Daddy and SIR quite a bit this week.   While I have the ability to visit them 1-2x a month, the reality of not being able to see them again for possibly 3 months due to our work schedules has left me in a bit of a emotional lonely rut. Womp Womp!   This prompted me to Google “SIR/Daddy/boy relationships”.  While both are very similar, I found more material on Daddy/boy relationships than SIR/boy relationships.   

Of course, like any relationship, romantic or playful, it’s all about what works for the individuals involved.  What works for one couple may not work for another so try not to compare your relationship to others. It’ll only frustrate you both.  

Reading several articles today solidified one opinion I’ve had for a while regarding any roles in the Leather Community.  From Daddies, to boys, to SIRs to Pups… if you’ve committed to these roles, always be in touch and supportive of each other’s needs in and out of the bedroom or dungeon. Life does go on outside the chosen roles that we become accustomed to.  It’s not always about “showing Daddy your asshole” (from an article below).  LOL!   

I thought I’d share these 3 links that I found to be inspiring and fun.   They gave me a big much needed smile today.  🙂         

(I’ll have to do another entry on SIR/boy relationships very soon!)



Of all the role-playing scenarios that excite the gay male imagination (master/slave, coach/athlete, cop/civilian, doctor/patient, big brother/little brother), surely none is more potent than daddy/boy. The energy that gets activated between two men when one of them says “Show Daddy your butthole” is so deep, profound, and erotic that we can only call it mythological. The interplay of strong, protective daddy with adoring, obedient boy uniquely combines love, power, and masculinity in a way that Carl Jung, visiting his local leather bar, would call archetypal, meaning that it goes with the territory of being human. It’s not that everybody is turned on by daddy/boy fantasies, but we can all locate ourselves along the spectrum of being, having, or wanting a good Daddy.

Read the full article HERE




Intergenerational relationships are nothing new. We’ve been dating in and out of our age brackets since forever.

But in recent years, something’s changed: gays have been getting even better at dating much younger or much older guys. In decades past, because of the closet and social stigma, it used to be far more common for older/younger pairings to have a creepy power dynamic in which one or both parties were taking advantage of each other.

Read the full article HERE




Previously, Queerty’s given the daddies among us some tips for being good to their boys. Now it’s time to flip that, and talk to the young ones.

So, hey, kids. Good for you, you’ve figured out something that most gays take decades to realize: experience is sexy, and smart older guys can teach you things you never knew you never knew. (That’s a quote fromPocahontas. It’s a movie. It came out the year you were born.)

Read the full article HERE



This happened to me once while in Hawaii. My boy’s collar did not react well to the ocean’s saltwater. The lock froze shut in a sense. A quick trip to Home Depot along with some laughter and we were all set. Many memories were made on that trip.

Wise words from SIR Dart


So somebody did you wrong and you’re legitimately hurt. Posting it on social media attracts an audience that will enjoy seeing you that way

— Dart (@DartsDomain) August 28, 2016


Fact is, we’ve all done it at some point. It’s a harder lesson for some to learn and even when we’ve learned from it we occasionally slip up.

Recognizing your own mistakes and learning to forgive is part of being a good human.  🙂

Communication For Doms

Here’s a great article on communication between the Dominant and submissive.

Improve The Breed – Communication For Doms

Here are some ‘pearls of wisdom’ for new Doms on how to establish a healthy Dom/sub connection. Some of these pointers pertain to more intense play, but are good suggestions regardless of the type of play.

1. Communicate. Probably the most important skill to learn as a Dom, is how to effectively communicate. As the leader it’s your job to keep communication an open, two-way street. Subs often shut down or disconnect. It’s not because they are being defiant. Sometimes it’s part of their subspace experience, and sometimes they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening. They may perceive what you are doing as abuse, or relate it to a moment of abuse in their past. It can happen at any time, even when doing something you’ve already done before with no problems. Here are some tips to developing good habits to facilitate communication between you and your sub.

2. Be yourself. Even though Dom/sub relations are technically ‘role play’ most people want to play with real people. Especially in the beginning, subs want to know an authentic, personal side of you, and know that you are someone they can rely on, and they can trust.

When a sub offers himself to you it is a big deal, and he’s offering himself to YOU, not some fictional character. He wants YOU to lead him through any challenges and adversity. He needs your help. If you’re trying too hard or doing something that’s way out of character, then rethink your strategy. Your sub will see how uncomfortable it is for you and his confidence may waver. So start slow and easy. That being said, if you’re trying something new and it’s backfiring or turning into a clusterfuck, just stop, say that it’s not working out, and laugh it off. Bonding comes from sharing both successes and failures. Handling failures well is just as important as enjoying success.

3. Establish endpoints, and checking in: Unless it is your lifestyle, it’s a good habit to establish things I call ‘endpoints’ and ‘checking in.’

Endpoints: An endpoint is simply defining the beginning and ending of a BDSM scene. Create a time, before and after a scene, for physical contact and communication. Be positive, affirming, calm, relaxed. Smile, use touch, eye contact, and say something like, “we’re gong to have a really good time today all right?” or “You did a great job today, thank you.” Simple common courtesy. And listen to what your sub has to say.  Treat it like a ritual. Subs respond very well to this kind of consistency. It only takes a minute and it does a world of good towards building trust and camaraderie.

Checking in: Checking in can happen within a scene or can be used as a transition between scenes. It’s basically a short rest period – less than 30 seconds – where you ease up on stimulation, when a sub can regroup, verbalize his condition, think things out, relax a little, get ready for more. Think of it like a little chunk of aftercare inside of a scene. It’s a good time to re-establish a connection, check in with the sub and see how he’s doing. Speak with a comforting tone, be encouraging. Ask him “how are you doing?” Over a very short time he’ll become conditioned so that when he’s in this ‘safe zone’ he knows he’s physically safe from harm, and will come to relish those times and bond with you over them. It also serves as a reality check, allowing the sub to momentarily assert control if he wishes. When you’re ready to start up again, just say, ‘you ready?’ and listen to his response.

4. Handling meltdowns and catharsis. It will happen eventually. Especially if you’re involved with punishments or endorphin rushes, S&M and longer, more intense scenes. A strong emotional release….crying, or anger or fear. Grief, heartache, anguish, passion, joy, gratitude. A hundred emotions and powerful feelings all culminating together and overflowing. It’s like an unstoppable force that grabs hold of your body and doesn’t let go. At that moment, it can go either way:  It can be a powerfully positive cathartic experience – something life-changing that your sub will be eternally grateful for. Or it can be devastating to him – something that will leave him scarred, erase all the trust you’ve built,  and fill you both with regret.

The most important thing you can do as a Dom at that moment, is BE THERE. Stop extraneous stimulation. Make it quiet. Be physically close, but not obtrusive. If you do make physical contact, make it firm contact, like an anchor he can hold onto. Don’t be overly consoling…you don’t know what he’s thinking right now. Just be there, and say the words, “I’m here with you. I’m right here.” Say it just a few times, not over and over. Try not to say things like, “you’re ok,’ because he’s not. Instead, say “you’ll BE ok.” “I’ve got you.” I’m with you.” Realize that this is HIS experience, not yours. He needs to handle this himself. But he needs you there to witness it, and honor it, and honor him. By being present with him. That is all.

When the time is right, when things settle a bit, tell him “I’m going to untie you now and then we’re going to go rest for a while.” Expect another emotional release to return at some point, and again, use firm steady touch, like an anchor. Go lay down for a while with him. Cover him with a blanket. Warm him with your body. Hold him close and let him have his experience. When he is still, give him some time by himself to rest. He might fall asleep for a while. That is normal. When he wakes again, he might be really happy and energized, or kinda dazed and confused, or exhausted and hungry. Your boy just worked very hard for you. Be a good mentor and tend to HIS needs.

submitted by: – JocKDieseL

Great Quote

“It would actually be healthier–and it would bring you greater relief–to face what’s upsetting you, acknowledge it, and find a way to deal with it. Pretending you don’t have a problem will only make the problem bigger. Dealing with it will help you move beyond it”. – A friend’s Horoscope for the day




Here’s a “Throwback Thursday” photo from about 9-10 years ago. We had just moved to Chicago a few months prior. This was about the time I started exploring my dominant side. While in my first Leather Cop Uniform, I put this boy in a leather racing suit, locking Bondage Mitts and the Bishop’s Head Harness you see in the photo. He’d been instructed not to get off for a few days prior and was very frustrated when I wouldn’t let him rub himself through the leather.

I love how this photo turned out and has recently made the rounds on Tumblr. 

“Coming Out Kinky” by Nmpc on Recon

Most gay Leathermen and Leatherwomen have a second coming out in their lives that they define as “Coming Out Kinky”.   A point where they decide they are not going to hide that part of their lives anymore.  No longer ashamed of their interests and lifestyle.   Everyone’s story is unique in it’s own special way.  Here is one person’s moving and funny story.  


“Guilty Pleasure” by Nmpc

Screen Shot 2016-02-17 at 10.19.08 AM.png

“What are we listening to?”

The teenager flipped his hair out of his eyes. Tegan and Sara’s Body Work had just started for the second time as my iPod reached the end of the playlist and started over.

“Not a fan of lesbian duos going pop Evan?” I asked as I went over to find a new playlist.

“Do you like this stuff?” He asked scornfully.

I laughed at his self evident question.

“I take it you don’t?”

“Um, it’s okay I guess, my friends just don’t like it.” He went back to chopping green bell peppers for the salad.

“Does it matter what they think?” I asked.

Before he could answer the knife glanced off the smooth skin of the vegetable as he cut down. The blade sliced into his finger. Blood splashed onto the green cutting board. That summer our boss had introduced different colors for cutting different foods. Green for veggies, red for meat, white for bread, yellow for fruit, and blue for dairy.

The other kitchen supervisor sprang into action and ushered the now ashen faced boy to the first aid room. As I cleaned up the blood and threw away the peppers, I wondered if the question was unreasonable.

Of course it matters what your friends think when you’re 15, not much else does matter. I remember sitting in ninth grade science during work time going through each other’s iPods, making catty comments about other people’s music taste.

I remember labeling Britney Spears as Arcane Fire on my iPod, because Arcane Fire was “serious music,” while Britney was not and I wanted to be considered serious.

It took me until college to figure out that guilty pleasures are a method of cultural control. Serious music is indie rock and and folk music, pop music is a frivolous thing that queer people and girls like. We let the Pitchforks of the world declare a monopoly on cool, and until very recently cool were things that straight white men liked. Or things they absorbed from other groups when some sound was so undeniable that it could not be ignored.

Liking what you like and not being embarrassed to bring it up to anyone who asks for fear of seeming “unserious,” shouldn’t be so hard.

Yesterday I was sitting in a gay bar in Minneapolis. A drunk straight woman wandered over and began an unsolicited conversation about Robyn. Most people that know me well are aware of my devotion to Robyn, so we bonded over the perfection of Call Your Girlfriend.

Behind me on the wall were a collection of beautifully shot black and white photos of non normative sexual acts. She pointed to one of the pictures and suddenly we were talking about kinky sex. It was funny because she didn’t really seem all that confused or off put. It was refreshing, given the endless aggressions on queer people, both big and small, that run through popular culture.

The miserable rat pack of Seth Rogen, James Franco, and company turn out a stream of movies where gay sex is a punchline. Because gay people are fine, but our sex is gross, and two male characters being confused as lovers is funny.

I’m sure that these men are fine with the gay men that I’m sure are in their lives, but they clearly haven’t gotten over what culture has taught them about queer sex.

I spent most of last weekend at Twin Cities Leather Weekend. A number of people in my life asked me about what event was taking up my whole weekend.

There I was again, feeling shame about an immutable part of my personality and sexuality. I just referred to it as a general gay event, leaving out the word leather. Lying by omission to almost everyone.

The thing is I’m not really sure why. I spent time worrying about if pictures made it on Facebook. But who was I worried about? And why would they care?

Apparently I’m not as enlightened as I thought. I’d let the fact that a part of my sexuality falls farther outside of the norm than just being gay, and spent a lot of time and energy omitting that from any discussion of my life with straight people.

This weekend showed me that the leather community is going to be important enough to me, that splitting my life in half is not feasible or desirable.

So I guess this is a second coming out of a sort, odd as that may be.

I’m done feeling bad about being outside of normal.

Last night I found a piece of paper on the floor of the bar. On it someone had written “The Gospel According to Gaga.” It didn’t continue to reveal what those teachings are, but anyone below 30 has heard Gaga’s slightly hokey “Born This Way.” Of course she is not the first to preach radical acceptance in popular culture, but the song launched at #1 on the main American musical chart.

I guess there’s some hope for me. In the last three years I’ve lived at nine addresses in three states, truly believed I was going to die of cancer, but still met daring, magical people at every turn.

This time last year I lived in the wilderness of the North Cascades. This time next year I don’t know where I’ll be, or who I’ll be.

Hopefully I’ll have learned to give myself a break.

Probably not, but one step at a time.

Screen Shot 2016-02-17 at 10.18.53 AM.png

RUFF THOUGHTS: “Life lessons at Dore Alley Fair” (& a #TBT)


Here’s a Throw Back Thursday photo of myself at Dore Alley Fair 2014.  

This photo reminds me of an important life lesson I “re-learned” that summer.  You see, I had a well known crush on these two guys for a long while. When we talked, my mind sort of fogged over. This happens when I am really into someone including the image/role that they portraying (“Totes Dom Top”) and the hot gear they are wearing. I got nervous and awkward around the 2 hot men flirting with me at the street fair as we drank warm beer…. freezing up several times in mid conversation.    DERP!  

I’ve done this all my life.  I call it the “Peter Parker meets Mary Jane” syndrome.  You remember that scene from Spider-man, right?

Right at 00:25

But, the lesson I re-learned… for like… the billionith time that summer?   Sometimes, especially at kinky street fairs, S&M can just stand for… “Stand and Model”. Despite the flirting, they weren’t really into me.  I mean, the fair was closing and I still had not been ordered to lick any boots or drink their piss!  Wake up, Ruff!   

I still look back and laugh at this experience.  My pooooor widdle heart was broken that day!  Awwww… Poor Ruffy.  (Don’t worry, I got over it)  And, yet, this still remains one of my favorite photos.  

….You know, looking back, it really didn’t help that Daddy Richard had me in chastity for 2 weeks prior to that day at Dore Alley Fair….  


RIP David Bowie

“When you grow up being a little weird, you look up to other people who are weird, especially the ones the whole world seems to love. You start to view your weirdness as a gift and not a curse”

“Oh no love! you’re not alone
You’re watching yourself but you’re too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only make you care
Oh no love! you’re not alone
No matter what or who you’ve been
No matter when or where you’ve seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I’ve had my share, I’ll help you with the pain
You’re not alone
Just turn on with me and you’re not alone
Let’s turn on with me and you’re not alone
Let’s turn on and be not alone
Gimme your hands cause you’re wonderful”

“Thanks, man. You were really, really wonderful too. I’ll miss you”

I’ve been trying most of today to formulate words to describe how I feel about the loss of David Bowie.   One of my favorite fellow “weird” friends really nailed it.