Those of you who were around when the internet started may remember the original GearFetish.com and how it suddenly disappeared, leaving in it’s place a nasty “Dear John” letter that alienated the original creator from the community.
I always wondered what really happened.
On a completely different subject (but still related). I would like to point out a blog entry from the original creator of GearFetish.com. In this blog entry, he answers many questions as to what really happened many, many years ago… but more importantly the blog entry gives a fantastic example how many people getting into kink get scared and go back into “The Kink Closet”. This is such a great example of how people try to deny who they are. I highly recommend reading this well written entry.
I have great deal of friends who went through this. They had strong urges to discover BDSM, Leather, Rubber, Uniform and other taboo fetishes since they were very young. But, at one point they either met a vanilla BF or had religious/work/family issues that “won” the fight. Sadly, in a relationship where one person is Kinky, and the other is Vanilla, statistically the relationship is doomed because the Kinky Person feels unfulfilled and the Vanilla Person feel inadequate. It happens all the time, not just with gay men and kink either.
Drastic measures are taken to be something the emerging kinksters are not… to please others, but not themselves. In one example, in a frantic hurry to push out of everything related to Kink/Fetish, a friend of mine actually gave away (and threw out) thousands of dollars of gear to be in a relationship. He simply did not want to be alone, any relationship would do. After that relationship failed, he bought the same gear again, new, and now jokes that he should have saved the money on therapy. You should SEE his dungeon and handsome collared boy now.
We are all on our own journeys. Moving at a pace we are comfortable with. Go at whatever speed you are comfortable with but don’t deny your feelings of who you are because of what other people’s expectations are of you. It’s YOUR life to live, not theirs.
Lastly, there really are very good people out there in the Leather (Kink) Community. Talk to them. Make friends (not necessarily sexual). Hear their stories of “Coming Out Kinky”. It helps put things in perspective.
Many thanks to GuyN2Gear for sharing.
-Ruff
Thanks for writing that. i have gone through the same thing several times. i threw away my gear twice to be in vanilla relationships and finally realized that i can’t live a dual life, so i am in the process of “coming out” again….i am wrapping my head around the concept of BDSM as a lifestyle, not a secret kink. i feel guilty about hurting two very special people who both discovered by accident my kinky nature. i have and still do feel like there are two sides to me(i am a Gemeni). i am trendy by day and a total kinkster by night. i am so glad i discovered your blog and thanks again!
boy josh
Thanks for the nod.
Yes, I’ve heard this far too much in my years of watching the online fetish community, and it’s sad. The “kink closet” is indeed much like the better known gay closet — and because those of us with alternative interests are even fewer in number, we feel even more like outcasts.
Time has helped me to heal, and that’s not an experience that I would wish on anyone. I hope that this sort of self-denial becomes less and less common for others who are just now coming to terms with their own sexual identities.
I 2nd the thanks for writing that.
I’m going through that right now, I haven’t touched my gear in 6-7 weeks and was just steps away from sending it to the dumpster. It wouldn’t be thousands but several hundred for sure.
I’m really not even sure why I’m feeling like I need to abandon it because I enjoy it so much but glad to know there are others out there that feel the same. I was sure there were but just hadn’t run across any that vocalized it
Thanks for posting the blog Ruff.
Thank you (again!) for writing this. It’s giving me lots of food for thought. It’s less than a year since I went through ‘coming out’ as gay, and that’s hard enough. The idea of doing it again is a bit daunting.
Actually, gay men are the only group of people that I’ve been open with about my fondness for bondage, and most of them seem okay with it. But you’re making me think about the effect it could have on a relationship – something I haven’t been in yet.
And also you’re making me think about how I’m not ALWAYS in bondage ‘mode’. In fact, the last couple of encounters I’ve had have been non-bondage and very enjoyable. But is it always going to be in the back of my mind?
As I said, food for thought. I’m probably going to re-read this post a lot.
Food for thought indeed, Ruff, and a subject I’d been considering tackling on my own blog, from a sort of “integrating kink with one’s relationship” angle.
Like many here, I’ve gone through cycles of purging of my fetish gear. I haven’t gone to the extremes of some but I’ve certainly regretted throwing out perfectly good gear for poorly-defined reasons usually related to fear of discovery.
I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 12 years. My partner’s not unreceptive to my “perv interests” (and we had the good sense to talk about them right from the outset) but like others, I’ve felt driven to seek more dedicated gear play outside the relationship. It really has taken a decade for us both to get to a position where we’re both (mostly) comfortable with this.
I’m going to mull this over and hopefully put together a blog entry on the subject. Thanks for bringing it up.