Mark from Minneapolis sent in another fun story. Check it out after the jump.
T w I s t e d T e s t
By Mark
Dozens of young males all sat strapped up in thick brown leather restraints. As incoming college freshman, we were all required to take a state psychological exam. It was part of the new initiative to curb underlying issues leading to acting out, suicides, violence, and any other social ill that could conceivably be halted by an exam. The exam had the power to either set you free on to college or to trap you in to a seventy-two hour evaluation hold at the state mental hospital.
T w I s t e d T e s t
By Mark
Dozens of young males all sat strapped up in thick brown leather restraints. As incoming college freshman, we were all required to take a state psychological exam. It was part of the new initiative to curb underlying issues leading to acting out, suicides, violence, and any other social ill that could conceivably be halted by an exam. The exam had the power to either set you free on to college or to trap you in to a seventy-two hour evaluation hold at the state mental hospital.
Naturally, all exam takers had to be fully restrained, simply as a precaution. If you ended up failing, the orderlies wanted no trouble getting you in to your seventy-two hour initial hold. I had just finished filling out my paperwork in the exam clinic’s in-take area. I reluctantly signed several forms giving the state full permission to commit me involuntarily should they determine that I had failed the exam in any way. There were no appeals. And there were no second opinions.
Having been led in to the exam room by two young male orderlies, who looked more like gym trainers and acted more like school yard bullies, I gazed in shock at all the hot young guys firmly nestled in to test stations. Each test taker was paired by two male orderlies dressed in white jeans and white short sleeve t-shirts. The orderlies wore black leather belts and various leather sneakers. Most of their shoes were black but some were red or white.
The test takers were all at various stages of their exams. Some were just getting placed in to the restraints by their orderlies. Many others were in the process of their exam – struggling to use a computer keyboard and monitor. Finally, a very few were clearly at the end of the process. These guys were either having their test results explained to them or being administered some sort of pill that was supposed to calm them down for being transported away through a back door that apparently led deeper in to the state hospital.
I also noticed something very different. One guy was being released and completely set free from his test and restraints. It appeared strange to me only because it was in such contrast to everyone else who seemed so stuck and hindered. And, I recognized him from senior year. It was James.
James and I had pre-calculus together. He was a total jock but he was also very smart. I didn’t recall exchanging any words with him, but we both knew one another.
As my two orderlies, who barely were speaking anything more than scripted information, led me by both arms towards an empty station, I was able to make out words being exchanged between James and his two orderlies.
“…and that is why we are letting you out of the restraints…” one orderly was saying.
“You are one lucky dude; we hardly ever let anyone out of restraints,” the other orderly added.
“Yeah, these other dudes are in for it,” the first orderly laughed.
As James managed a chuckle, he noticed me being led towards him. My two orderlies planted my ass right down in to an empty test station right next to James. The chair of the station was bolted to the floor and made of some kind of black thick plastic. The chair’s seat was sunken as it slanted down towards the back and the whole of the chair had brown thick leather restraints dangling in every direction.
“Heyy, James!” I squealed.
James nodded, “Dustin, riight?”
I nodded back, “You passed?”
James grinned. The two orderlies grinned as well but quickly changed their expressions to ones of distrust.
“How?” I asked.
James’ orderly on his right immediately clamped his hand over James’ mouth. His hand was thick, fleshy, muscular, and not going anywhere. The orderly on the left of James grabbed hold of James by his arms to steady him and halter any fight. I noticed James was having trouble breathing as the top of the orderly’s fleshy finger was pressed up against James’ nose holes. He had one solid and effective hand maneuver working on James’ mouth.
“Ut, ut, ah,” the orderly with his thick hand over James’ mouth and nose jested. “No giving away secrets. You gotta pass fair and square.”
In probably a smart move, James did not fight the orderlies and simply relaxed in to the hand over his mouth. When the orderlies finally felt comfortable with James, they eased their grips and James gasped in air, settled down, and simply nodded in agreement.
“You’ll do fine Dusty; Just cooperate with the good fellas,” James finally piped.
All four orderlies shared humorous glances. James was led away and one of my orderlies told me that they would need to restrain me for my own protection as well as theirs.
I simply nodded as they placed a thick brown leather belt around my waist, synched it tight, and belted it. They added thick leather locking cuffs to my ankles and wrists. Then they put secondary restraints – similar thick brown leather locking belts – around my calves, thighs, chest, forearms, biceps, and neck. Once these were all on, they returned to my waist belt and placed a lock on it. That was kind of not necessary but they seemed to enjoy that extra lock.
I was completely immobilized to the sunken chair. They then wheeled a small table toward the front of me which contained a large keyboard and small computer monitor. It attached to my chair with an adjustable rod near the floor. They were arguing with each other about which notch to use to hook the contraption together. One thought it should be further away and one liked where it was. In the end, the former won out and the computer was positioned farther away from me than any computer I had ever used.
Once they were confident with their arrangement, they began explaining the exam. It consisted of one hundred multiple choice questions. The test had no right or wrong answers they said. I was supposed to answer with whatever I felt at the time. I was supposed to go with my gut and not think about the questions too long. In fact, there was a ten second limit on each question. If I did not answer in time, the question would be marked incomplete. There were five possible answers to each question. I had to hit the number one key for choice one, the number three key for choice two, the number five key for choice three, the number seven key for choice four, and the number zero key for choice five. I asked them to go over that again as I was very confused. They said they were only allowed to go over the instructions once and gave me a dominant glare of annoyance. They acted like I was bothering their normal flow.
When I recoiled from their reaction, they warned me that inappropriate behavior would not be tolerated.
I said I was sorry.
They finished explaining a few other seemingly irrelevant points about the exam and then asked which hand I would like to use to answer the questions. I was confused.
They both looked impatient and one said, “Choose, or we’ll choose for you.”
Since I am right handed, I said, “My right.”
The other orderly turned and shouted down the room, “We need a left mitt here.” A younger orderly, who seemed to be a subordinate, eagerly ran across the room towards us and produced a black leather padded fist mitten. My orderly grabbed the mitten from the guy’s hand and roughly worked it up over my left hand. The interior of the mitten was cold, soft, and slippery. It fit snuggly over my hand and he strapped it tightly at my wrist and then locked it. The mitten quickly warmed and I felt extremely frustrated with my lack of digit use.
“Billy,” my orderly barked at the subordinate, “You forgot the headgear.”
Billy’s face looked panicked as he raced away and then back returning with a handful of brown leather strapping.
“We’ll need to remove your glasses for the exam,” my second orderly monotonously spoke as he reached up and tugged away my glasses. I could no longer see much of anything as everything simply looked like a blur.
As I tried to argue, “But I can’t see anything now!” the first orderly worked the leather strapping up over my head.
The first orderly responded, “Easy buddy, just relax and go with the flow. This will all be over soon.”
They strapped on a full blown head harness complete with a ball gag that they popped in to my mouth. Straps held it in place and I began to salivate. I could no longer speak.
“Place your right hand on the keyboard and get ready to take this exam. We’ll be reading the questions to you out loud since we do not allow prescription glasses or any other aids. They may give you an unfair advantage. Those are the rules,” the second orderly chimed.
I struggled to remember which numbers represented which choices and outstretched my right arm as close to the keyboard as possible. I was confident that I was near or at the top row of numbers that could be found on any standard keyboard. The problem was that this was not a standard keyboard. It was like a giant clunky dinosaur model. I focused on the fact that James had passed the exam. If he could do it, then I had a chance as well. Worst case scenario, I’d be committed for seventy-two hours, be found completely healthy, and return to enjoying my summer before starting college.
The first orderly clicked a few buttons on the back of the computer while the second orderly grabbed a bundle of papers and began fumbling through them. “This is exam 6B, right?” the second orderly asked.
“Huh?” the other quizzically responded, “Oh, umm, nah 7, 7B man.”
“Oh, you sure?” the orderly flipping through the papers asked before finally settling on a specific page.
The first orderly simply nodded seemingly only half agreeing.
The computer screen began to light up and the second orderly began reading “Question One. I sometimes feel like my parents are meddlesome. One – Angrily Agree. Two – Pensively Agree. Three – Conflicted In Deciding. Four – Angrily Disagree. Five – Pensively Disagree.”
“Dude, that’s not what the screen says, it’s asking about drug use, err, I mean Tylenol use…” the first orderly informed.
Confused, the second orderly flipped through some pages, “Ah, this is 7D, dick, haha.”
By then a flash emerged on the screen.
“Opps, Ya missed that one Dusty,” the first orderly commented. He then barked, “Read the kid question two man.”
Needless to say, things were not off to a good start. The orderlies kept confusing and arguing with each other and by the time I understood the question, it would already have flipped to the next one. Once I was able to finally figure out some answers, it would have already flipped to the next one. Finally, I started actually putting in an answer although I kept getting confused as to which number to push. Number zero was an answer of five, I remembered. Was seven a four or was nine in there somewhere? Ugh.
As the test continued, the first orderly looked at me with pity and asked, “You ready to give up Dust?” Honestly, I was ready to give up.
The second orderly began taking more and more time to read the questions. The screen started flipping to the next questions before he was even half way through reading them. He started speaking slower and slower until he finally stopped midway through a question and asked, “What do you say I put ya in this second leathery mitt? Just give you a break for a bit.”
“Things would suddenly become much easier for you then, Dustin,” the first orderly added with a smile.
Honestly, I wanted the test to end. I was fairly confident that I was failing and I just wanted for something to go right. At least if they put a fist mitt on my only free hand, something would get accomplished! In some odd way, I could then ultimately succeed in failing! They may not have been able to communicate with me well about the test, but they would be able to restrain well. Right now, nothing was going well.
I was drifting in a daze when the orderly went back to reading questions. I tried to start struggling with the test again. I felt the strong grip of the second orderly’s hand firmly around my right wrist moving my hand away from the keyboard and towards the cool soft leathery fist mitt which was now being manipulated around my hand by the first orderly. They both guided my hand deep in to the mitt and then tightly strapped, buckled, and locked it.
“Sorry bud, but yah failed,” the first orderly informed.
“Yeah, sixty questions to go but you’ve already fucked too many,” the other noted.
I was exhausted and glad the test was over; even if it ended badly, it was over.
The first orderly undid a strap at the back of my head and popped out my ball gag by squeezing my face cheeks together with his hand. As I stretched open my mouth, the other orderly’s finger entered my mouth and placed something on to my tongue. It quickly dissolved and I struggled to swallow the liquid it produced.
“That will help you to remain calm as we prep you for transport,” the second orderly soothed.
My mind became dizzy and I struggled to think. I tried to talk but it was useless.
The two guys began undoing my straps. Then they slowly guided me up out of the chair and in to a red and black wheelchair nearby. They restrained me quickly in to the red leather covered wheel chair with red and black straps I believe were similar to the brown ones of the test station. It was hard for me to see clearly or think much about them. My hands were still in both of the black puffy slick fist mitts, which were now wrapped in to the red and black leather cuffs of the wheel chair.
Soon I realized I was being wheeled through a corridor. Someone popped up out of a seat and began talking to me. After some time, I realized it was James. He was asking me how it had gone and was expressing remorse that I had failed.
I tried to ask him how he had passed. I am not sure how it came out or what words I actually used, but he must have realized what I was saying because he explained:
<< I said ‘hell no’ to the extra restraints they wanted to put me in. I consented to the lap belt; that’s it. And, I never let them put their lock on it They tried to get a fist mitt on me too; they wanted me in at least one restraint they said. But I said, ‘fuck no bros, fuck that shit.’ I wasn’t going to stand for that, ya know? And when the test started and it was all slanted against me and all, well, I called ‘Bullshit’ on them. And guess what? They smiled at me and said I passed. They said that the computer test itself is actually impossible to pass. The only way to get through is to prove you have enough balls to stand up for yourself. It is a test on self-worth and self-reliance. Kinda fucked up, no? But listen Dusty, you’ll be fine. Just don’t let them fuck with you up in the isolation wing. Got it?>>>
I was in a daze. I noticed my orderlies smiling and even thought I heard them say something about numbers. Something about the more they got admitted the more their paychecks would be.
I became aware of my fist mitts again. They were sweaty and hot by this point. The previous slickness of them was now stickiness against my skin. Just before I fully succumbed in to a deep, peaceful sleep, I heard James shout down to me and the orderlies,
“ T w is t e d T e s t ! ”
