MUST READ: “Why I left what I thought was a consensual Leather Relationship”

Posted on February 18, 2021 by Ruff

If there is one Leather Community article I feel EVERYONE should take a moment to read, it’s this one. It’s a sad story at it’s start but you will see how this man developed his own family within the Leather Community. We should all be so lucky to have that sort of support and love around us.

Please, take a moment to read his story.

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I was helped by several wonderful people when I was a homeless boy, discarded by my LDS family. There was Jim, the leatherman who introduced me properly to the leather scene, the man from whom I earned my first leathers. And there was Miss Gladys, the Black trans sex worker who took me in and gave me a home for a time, who was to me like a mother, and who made the best fried chicken I have ever had.

Then there was Paul. He gave me a place to live, too. But it came at a price. He beat me, raped me, abused me emotionally and financially, and lent me out to his friends. All under the guise of a BDSM relationship, which I wanted desperately. He taught me I had to start out living as his slave if I wanted to be in the scene. I was young and stupid and I believed him. I thought it was normal. And I was afraid of being back on the street, where I was already being raped and abused, anyway. That’s #WhyIStayed, far too long. But one day I found the courage to leave.

We were watching tv downstairs by the pool. I locked him into the room, went upstairs and threw my clothes into a bag, and walked out the door. I had no money, no friends, nowhere to go. But I walked out. I walked 50 miles to Tampa where I knew there was a leather bar and other leathermen. That weekend, I went to the local bar, and I started telling people my story. I met Jim, who I mentioned earlier. Jim was an old school (some would say Old Guard) leatherman. He gave me a place to live, and this time there were no strings attached. I would have slept with him; I was used to sleeping with men for food or shelter. But for the year I lived with him, he never touched me. He taught me how to have a healthy, consensual leather relationship. He taught me the difference between BDSM and abuse. But back to the story…

A few months after I had left, I was at the bar, this was the 2606 in Tampa which some of you may know. Jim was not with me, so I was alone when Paul walked in and tried to get me to leave with him. After being afraid of him for so long, I wasn’t afraid any longer. I yelled at him; I told him I was going nowhere with him.

The music kept playing, of course, but all around me men went quiet and turned toward us. The pool games stopped. The tension in the room was palpable. Paul grabbed me by the arm and began to pull me toward the door. And suddenly, something magical happened. The leathermen in that bar closed ranks in front of us. And all around us. Tampa had a small leather community, just the one bar, so I already knew these men, and they knew my story. They knew who Paul was and why he was there. As ethical leathermen, they stepped up to protect me.

Paul didn’t really understand what was going on, but for the first time I saw fear on *his* face. I experienced a sudden realization of how small and pitiful he really was. I pulled my arm from his grip. I was shaking not with fear but with anger; I leaned in close to him and I told him that these were my friends, that this was my bar, and that he was not welcome here. He should leave, and never come back. He never did.

To this day I still ask myself #WhyILeft. But I really don’t know. Why was it that one day I suddenly had the courage that I had never had before? I don’t know. I’m just glad I did. I wish I had done it much sooner.

David M. is now married to his longtime partner. He teaches and mentors young men entering the leather scene. He says the most important thing he teaches them is how to tell the difference between healthy BDSM and abuse. He recommends consulting the site Kink Abuse for more information on the topic.

Original Article over at Towleroad. Another website I recommend and support.

Many thanks to Towleroad for including the Leather Community in their reports.

SHORT FILM: “American Male”

Posted on September 22, 2016 by Ruff

A new short film from director Michael Rohrbaugh takes a withering look at how oppressing masculine gender norms can truly be.

American Male follows a muscled-up frat bro as he goes through his day performing his ‘masculine’ identity–playing beer pong, doing steroids, chugging pre-workout, lifting weights, watching sports, hazing pledges, and most of all avoiding any behavior that could be deemed weak, feminine, or gay. Which are all basically different words for the same thing in the character’s mind.

Through a haunting voiceover that reads almost like a journal entry that could be titled “How to be straight”, we hear the internal monologue of this bro who will go to any length to hide his true feelings from the world. His words serve as instructions and also as a catalogue of all the things he must do to prove his heterosexuality, and hence his masculinity–and hence his worthiness.

“Order beer. Not wine. And beef, not chicken. Never light beer, though. And tofu. Can’t get more gay than tofu,” he says to himself, for instance, steering clear of making any choice that could suggest to others that he is gay.

In the end, the effect of all the frat bro’s performed ‘masculinity’ is that he becomes dehumanized. “I am no longer a person but a set of social cues,” he says.

American Male was recently singled out by MTV as one of the winners of its Look Different Creator Competition, which invited emerging filmmakers to create groundbreaking films on the topic of privilege.

Actor/comedian/activist Kenny Neal Shults says of the project,

“I think the most interesting thing about this video is how, as a gay man, it defines my own internalized oppression. Not only do I understand and know this male standard intimately as a man, and therefore act on these sentiments, but I am attracted to men who espouse them. I see men like this and my immediate association is “straight.” Which I know to be false anyway because gender expression and sexual orientation are two very different things. There are plenty of gay men that subscribe to the tenants the main character outlines, and most of the time I am saddened by the notion that I will never “have” one. At the same time, I, again, know very well that this need to present as “masculine” is often the result of tremendous internalized pressure to project this “set of social cues.” Either because it makes them feel safe, because their father instilled these ideas, because they are trapped in adolescence like so many gay men, or because it makes them feel more attractive and therefore worthy. The men who were “men” that I have had relationships with have all eventually shown their hand by plainly struggling with this need to appear strong, while unconsciously begging to be released from it in some way. Although I know this to be a weakness in an of itself, I still long for frat boys and bullies, likely because eroticizing them is an easier emotion to live with than terror. A friend once told me that if I had a clothing line it would be called “in plain sight” because the way I dress broadcasts my desire not to stand out in any way. Not only does this keep me safe, but like an adolescent I still attempt to look like the people to whom I am attracted.”

This fall, Rohrbaugh will be directing a network documentary exploring LGBT issues in American sports. He will also be going to market with his feature script, American Grunt, a military drama set during the final days of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

The very well written FULL ARTICLE is available over at Towleroad.